Greg Chank and the Gospel of Cognitive Dissonance
Or: How to Support Israel While Condemning Everything Israel Believes
Blessed are the confused, for they shall tweet first and think never.
Let us now turn our spiritual gaze toward Brother Greg Chank—a man who declares himself a Christian, a defender of life, and a stalwart supporter of Israel. A man so devoted to his principles, he has managed to stand on all sides of every moral issue without even wrinkling his Dockers.
Greg wants you to know he stands with Israel.
But not the actual, real-world Israel.
No, no. He stands with an imaginary Israel that looks like a Hobby Lobby painting of King David holding an AR-15, scowling at drag queens.
Because real Israel? The one with hospitals, scientists, a functioning democracy, and legal access to abortion until 24 weeks?
That Israel? Oh, Greg’s never met her.
You see, Greg will scream “baby killer!” at anyone within 10 feet of Planned Parenthood. He'll sob over fetus memes like they’re the Stations of the Cross. But when you remind him that the state of Israel—a nation he claims to support unconditionally—not only allows abortion but has some of the most progressive reproductive rights in the region, Greg starts looking like someone who accidentally brought bacon to a seder.
This is the sacred gymnastics of American Christian nationalism:
Say you love Israel.
Ignore what Israel actually does.
Call everyone else a sinner.
The Torah, by the way, does not teach that life begins at conception. In fact, Jewish law places the life of the mother above the fetus. So if Greg thinks abortion is murder, he’s calling the Jewish people murderers—right after posting a meme that says “I Stand With Israel 🇮🇱.”
We’re not saying Greg is anti-Semitic.
We’re saying he’s confused.
Deeply. Loudly. Publicly.
And it all began, of course, with a meme.
A classic propaganda trope: tattooed men on top, innocent babies below. The caption? “Why do liberals fight to keep these, and fight to kill these?”—as if liberals are hoarding ex-cons like collectible action figures while conducting infant sacrifices in Whole Foods parking lots.
It’s the kind of meme that tells you everything about the poster and nothing about the issue.
But it gets better.
If you take a field trip to Greg’s Facebook page—bring Dramamine—you’ll find him gleefully posting photos with Israeli flags, proudly shouting things like:
✡️ “I stand with Israel!”
📜 “Israel, your God is my God!”
But the second you inform him that Israel protects abortion rights, that Jewish law doesn't view the fetus as a full person, that the Torah he claims to love contradicts his whole worldview—Greg doesn’t say, “Wow, I didn’t know that.”
No.
He yells:
“AI CHATBOT!!”
As if he just caught Moses using ChatGPT to write Leviticus.
Because nothing says I walk in truth like accusing anyone with basic facts of being a government robot.
Greg Chank isn’t confused. He’s committed—to an identity that depends on never thinking too hard. Because the moment he does, it all falls apart.
His Christianity has become a costume he wears to feel righteous while punching down.
But don’t worry, Greg. If you ever go to Israel and have a theological crisis, there’s universal healthcare to catch you when you fall.
Until then, Brother Greg remains a spiritual tourist in a land he doesn’t understand, waving both a Bible and an Israeli flag like they’re interchangeable, and shouting moral judgments at everyone else from inside a house made entirely of shattered glass.
Bless his little delusional heart.
🕊️ May your beliefs be as consistent as your memes are misspelled.
— Virgin Monk Boy
